Relationship Trauma. Reliving your parents’ issues.

Witnessing a parent being unfaithful can be deeply traumatic for a child. There can be feelings of betrayal and guilt, and often these feelings can be carried into adulthood, regardless of whether or not the parents reconcile their relationship or go onto divorce. It is likely that issues with trust and trusting manifest and take a toll on long-term committed relationships.

The trauma of witnessing infidelity in your parent’s marriage may have left you with the tendency to project your feelings of blame onto your own spouse or partner. Perhaps you see many of their actions as selfish, perhaps you are suspicious of them without good reason, or perhaps the whole idea of forming a deep attachment fills you with anxiety.  You might even recognise that your behaviour is unreasonable and has no foundation in reality, but still feel powerless to stop it. 

One catch with these behaviours is, that they may generate emotional damage in themselves: The great trouble with the kinds of behaviour associated with trust issues and anxiety around attachments is that they’re self fulfilling. These issues can often cause you to be jealous and untrusting of your spouse or partner and lead to controlling behaviour, or even punishing behaviour. Actions like withholding affection and shutting down communication are common. As a result of this, you alienate your partner and might even push them further away. 

couples acts of kindness

Like so many things, the first step to recreate a secure bond in the marriage is to recognise that a problem is there. Reading this blog is a great indication that you are enquiring into the sources of your dissatisfaction. Once you are aware and acknowledge the underlying feelings, you can begin to move towards healing. Ultimately, you can take ownership of the trauma you faced in your past, and accept that it’s truly in your past. From there, you can allow yourself to experience whatever strong emotions may show up, like jealousy, anxiety, insecurity. They are reflecting on your partner and on your relationship, but they can be dealt with in many more helpful ways.

It’s easy enough to see it written down in a neat paragraph, but making these changes in your own life and your own relationship is often easier said than done. Consider the support of a counsellor to guide you and your partner through the process of rediscovering the trust and happiness in your relationship. We speak with lots of couples struggling with issues surrounding trust, communication and overcoming traumas. Our approach is to help you identify where troubles arise, and overcome challenges together. 

Borderline-Narcissistic Couples – why so much drama and attraction?

Personality disorders occur along dimensions of behavioual, emotional and cognitive characteristics. A person can be evaluated as ranking higher or lower on a continuum (i.e. spontaneity: from boringly and routinelike sticking to plans to being overly impulsive and unpredictable). There is no clear cut to decide if someone is a certain way or not. We can merely measure if someone shows more or less of typical characteristics and symptoms. Main challenges for most of them are found in their lack or messed up sense of self and their unability to build and maintain secure and enduring relationships and sexuality.

People diagnosed with NPD generally have a stable but false image of themselves and often believe they are of primary importance in everybody’s life or to anyone they meet. They are often arrogant, display snobbish, disdainful, or patronizing attitudes and are needy specifically for the admiration and envy of others. They hold persistent fantasies about attaining success and power and exploit other people for personal gain with a lack of empathy for others.

Whereas people with BPD often demonstrate and present with: Overpowering emotion with rapid changes in mood and trouble regulating the intensity and onset, intense unstable interpersonal relationships, fragmented sense of self, need to be attached with abandonment anxiety (actual or perceived) with tendency to feel shunned and abused and engaging in impulsive behavior. They can be Chameleons who adopt an “identity” that suits the moment to make others accept them. They can exhibit empathy, feel remorse and guilt.

Both have had issues building an identity in early childhood and often suffer from an injured sense of self. Each with a tendency to lie, manipulate, acting out destructively to themselves and others and to easily feel offended. Frequent internalised or externalised anger.
What is the attraction and why is it so strong?

A nacissistic person presents as very confident and charismatic thereby very appealing and attractive to the borderline’s lack of self-esteem. The colorful exaggerated successes attract a person with a fragmented sense of self who idealizes a strong sense of self. The narcissistic manipulative controlling nature will be attracted by the borderline’s fear of being abandoned. The NPD’s embellishments of power are attractive to the BPD’s need of stability. A person with BPD is emotionally energized and positive which matches the NPD level of energetic ambition.

Unfortunately the mutual attraction can be played out as a Trauma Bond – based on shared traumatic experiences and an underlying readiness for abuse and to be abused. Also based on the borderline’s dependency which matches with the narcissistic need to feel important. The attraction is based on reciprocal and complementary patterns and often turns into resentment and even repulsion over time. Each partner can evoke unconscious unfinished developmental business in the other. Both types are similar in that both are self-centered and self-perception based.

Most likely people wish for their partner to have traits which they lack to fill their needs and also to have compatible traits and to be similar to them. In this case, the likelihood of these two personalities attracted could very well be successful or unhealthy based on how self-aware they are on their own condition and how they manage their issues.

Best chances for treatment progress and success:

  1. Both are willing to work on themselves
  2. Both stand up for the relationship
  3. Professional help is prepared to work with couples and individual disorders

Couples Skill Building with Alain De Botton

Here is a nice read . For 200 Hong Kong Dollar I bought Alain De Botton’s latest Novel and found it entertaining, therapeutic and insightful. Well worth a read for anyone in a committed relationship with many references to marital counselling, relationship skill building and couples therapy.

De Botton describes a marriage over the course of 16 years with typical ups and downs and how the individuals who form the couple are dealing with the challenges of married life. Developmentally speaking we are following the couple through symbiosis, differentiation of self and other, practicing and (maybe) rapprochement. At the end of the book Rabih has solidified his being ready for marriage and thereby able to move closer to Kirsten without losing his ability to move apart, to give even when it is inconvenient and to deepen their bond with emotional sustenance.

We don’t have to be constantly reasonable in order to have good relationships; all we need to have mastered is the occasional capacity to acknowledge with good grace that we may, in one or two areas, be somewhat insane. De Botton

The author explores possibilities of mindsets and behaviours when the couple faces a crisis of infidelity. “…, she might have revealed the vulnerability that has lain all the while behind her annoyed demeanour: ‘I wish I could be everything to you. I wish you did not have those needs outside of me. I don’t really think your fantasies about Antonella are repulsive; I just wish there didn’t have to be – always – that imagined someone else. I know it’s madness, but what I want most is to be able to satisfy you all by myself’.”

Every couple in a long-term relationship will pursue one of three possible pathways. Two lovers can intensify and prolong their symbiosis, they can move forward into differentiation and beyond or facing a separation of some shape or form.

Learning how to be more curious, open minded and able to identify and deal with one’s own emotional reactions – not independent from the partner, but separate from the other – is the only skilful way forward. When Kirsten is labeled “materialistic” she could have reacted with a sense of ease and the willingness to find out more about what drove Rabih to such statement. She did not – for reasons that lie in between attachment figures.

“(Rabih”s) chosen technique is distinctive: to call Kirsten materialistic, shout at her and then, later, to slam two doors. … Had Rabih picked up some better teaching habits, his lesson might have unfolded very differently. For a start, he would have made sure both of them went straight to bed and were well rested before anything was tackled. The next morning, he might have suggested a walk, perhaps King George V Park after they’d picked up a coffee and a pastry to have on a bench. …

… Then, rather than accuse her, he would have implicated himself in the behaviour he wished to focus on. ‘Teckle, I find myself jealous of some of those types we know”, he would have started. “If I hadn’t gone into architecture, we could have had a summer villa, and I would have loved it in a lot of ways. I am the first one to adore the sun and the Mediterranean. I’m so sorry for letting us both down.” … “What I also want to say, though, and it is probably a lesson for both of us, is that we’re very lucky in a host of other ways that we should at least try not to forget. … and that we know how to have a lot of fun on our rain-sodden summer holidays in the Outer Hebrides in a crofter’s cottage that smells a little of sheep dung’.”

The challenges arise between the partners when they communicate and produce infinity loops of unhelpful and unfortunate mutual triggering of disappointments and trauma:

“… Throughout their relationship the two of them fail comprehensively at both tasks, teaching and learning. At the first sign that either one of them is adopting a pedagogical tone, the other assumes that they are under attack, which in turn causes them to close their ears to instruction and to react with sarcasm and aggression to suggestions, thereby generating further irritation and weariness in the mind of the fragile ‘instructing’ party.”

Quotes from De Botton, Alain. The Course of Love (2016). Penguin Random House. UK.

COUPLEMENTARY episode three

Previously on couplementary: HE wanted to bring up his dissatisfaction with her and expected some sort of an acknowledgement. HE yielded HER anger and the situation escalated.

Usually when we achieve the opposite of what we intended, we get annoyed. Very annoyed. From the outside and with a little distance these are often situations that comedies are based on. You attempt one thing and what you get is exactly the opposite. Only worse.

My client can’t see the funny side to this emotional episode of his married life. They both have now reached a point where their brains and bodies fill with anger, hurt and annoyance. Amygdalae gone wild. It is clear to HIM that she is now about to throw a tantrum. HE has been at this point many times. It leads down a path of escalation and damage – verbal destruction at least. What are HIS options right now? Two strategical streams open up: calming things down or engaging in an argument. From which several tactical versions of action arise in his mind (here in order of escalation and potential for disaster):

  1. He can apologise immediately and hope to calm her down (caution! can backfire badly)
  2. He can freeze and – try to – sit it out until she calms down (alright, worth a trial)
  3. He can tell her that he does not want to talk this through at this heated stage (and hope her rational brain can still process – good luck amateur!)
  4. He can leave or at least be quiet until both have calmed down
  5. He can engage in a full blown fight in order to make clear that he is right and she is wrong

He “decides” for option E). He tells her with an angry face that he will not continue with this argument right there right then. This now prompts her to storm off, which helps both to settle for option D) as a joint effort. They now have time to calm down and he feels much calmer already after a few minutes. HIS rumination about what just happened however only just started. He thinks “I feel more stuck than before. Why can we not just say sorry and acknowledge what we do to each other? Why is it so difficult …”. 

They will both reconcile a few hours later. They will hug and kiss and maybe hold each other. Without words. He will not bring the subject up ever again. He tried that before – for many years – and the only outcome it ever had, was going back to square one, restarting the fight, leading to more hurt and more escalation. Very destructive. It was never possible to just talk about one issue separately. Every attempt to do so always lead to a tornado of emotion on his partner’s side that sucked in all kinds of issues and brought up bad things from the past.

Their arguments got never resolved, the underlying triggers never discussed. Until the next big fight.

Other questions you might ask just for your own amusement: 
Why does it seem that he is always ordering and then gets the blame when something goes wrong? If the roles were reversed, would he do the same? Hypothetically: Would it be a big deal if he had made a mistake and ordered coffee instead of tea or white rice instead of red? Or maybe ask the question the other way around, what is going on for her to have some sort of a heightened reaction?

COUPLEMENTARY episode two

Previously on couplementary: In episode one we started to follow HIM into a scene in which HE feels repeatedly falsely accused by HER within a short time span.

What now unfolds is the signature version of their infinity loop of unhelpful emotional interaction. It is really unfortunate for the two that HIS coffee arrived first – minutes before HER tea is brought – because here is where their unhelpful emotional dance begins …

Noticing the waiter bringing coffee instead of tea, she reacts in an uneasy way. In this moment she seemingly does not believe him to have ordered HER favourite tea and apparently accuses HIM of having ordered coffee instead. HER tone of voice, facial expression and posture signal that SHE is upset and angry with him. HE has it that she accuses HIM to have either screwed up or bluntly manipulated the order to HER disadvantage and to HIS advantage. It confuses him at first. Then it starts to annoy him, because HE must take this personal.

He strongly wants to talk to her about what just happened and how he feels about it. So he says to her “I feel hurt and annoyed by the way you just addressed me. You did a similar thing just yesterday asking me repeatedly if I really had ordered brown rice and I wonder why you keep doing this.”. She says: “You do the same thing to me all the time. You never listen!”

HE says “I want to talk to you about what just happened. Just stay with this situation right here.” He is aiming for an apology from her, since he finds himself to be in the right. Deep down he feels that she does not trust him to have ordered correctly and on her behalf. That hurts strongly, because it would mean that he can’t be the man for her, which he very much wants to be. The meaning thing goes deeper even: If she does not trust, that he carries out simple tasks with her best interest in mind and heart, then she might not rely on him in more important topics and tasks. Ultimately this would mean that she can’t surrender to him, with him and in him.

SHE says “That’s typical you only want to talk about this one thing. You never want to talk about all the other things that you do to me.” He is now puzzled and wants to know what other things. He says “What other things?” She says “Of course you don’t remember.” At other times she would say “You always want details, this is not about details.” Or she would say “What you do wrong does not count, you only want to bring up my faults. Everything is always my fault.”

At any of these points he realises – time and again – that he will not be able to discuss the one thing he wanted to bring up. He also realises that she will not acknowledge having hurt him with her way of questioning him repeatedly, her pitched voice and her angry face. Instead, it seems like he has now opened a can of worms and that her emotion now spirals out of control. This was not his intend. He did not want her to feel bad. What he actually wanted was any version of “You are right. Of course you acted in my best interest. I am your wife, we love each other and I can fully rely on you. You are my man. That is the reason why I am with you, because you know what makes me happy.”

He gets none of that. At all. By bringing up his dissatisfaction with her – it gets worse.

COUPLEMENTARY episode one

My target as an emotion-focused therapist for couples is to find out and define the signature “dance” of each couple I am working with. With regard to relationship issues it does not matter if I am working with both partners or if I am seeing an individual. The approach in Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) remains the same.

In this and some of my following blogs I want to highlight some of the typical dynamics seen from the perspective of one of my individual male clients. He has been married for a few years and since the beginning felt strongly affected by their quarrels. Each time they fight he suffers greatly from an overwhelming sense of being stuck and trapped. He realised that they seldom moved forward from these fights. They reconcile as a couple in their daily lives, but the underlying triggers remain unresolved and unspoken about.

Most men in committed long-term relationships really only have one mission: to make their spouses happy. It hurts to feel accused to have done something that the other would not approve of or without consent.

This client of mine had a recent couple experience in a restaurant that went like this: Coming back from the ladies’ she asks him if he had ordered while she was away. She wanted him to order her favourite beverage – let’s say a certain kind of tea that she admires. He smiles at her and tells her in a loving way that he did exactly that. A few minutes pass and she asks again. He looks at her and re-assures her that he did order exactly what she likes. They have been to the same restaurant many times and the chances of him getting the order wrong are very slim. Frail actually.When the waiter arrives with a pot of coffee, she turns to him in an uneasy way and asks in a harsh tone if he really ordered her favourite tea. He clarifies that he ordered coffee for himself plus her usual pot of tea. Internally however, he registers that he feels annoyed and a bit accused and mistrusted. His wife’s questioning and her tone of voice seem unfair to him.

In a very similar situation the day before, she questioned him several times if he had actually ordered brown rice to their dishes, because one dish is being delivered with white rice. They always order brown rice when there is a possibility. In this restaurant patrons have to write down their orders on small pieces of paper. This is how he can later proof to her, that he had written “BROWN RICE” to each dish. Unmistakably.

Showing her evidence of his right-doing is of utmost importance to him, when he feels wrongly accused. And that is exactly how he feels right now. His previous attempts to reassure her that he DID order on her behalf and in her best interest went unheard. It is so hurtful for my client because deep down he feels not trusted and part of him feels trapped in a relationship with a partner who at times loses her sense of ease – at times so suddenly that he then feels helpless and soon after hopeless.

Sebastian on Brexit

Relationship breakups are never happy, easy and seldom quick. Most breakups instill emotional pain in both partners – no matter who triggered it and who was struck. The process of separation follows a wave-lines of emotional, physical and communicational intensity – oscillating between distancing and closeness.

In breakups where one partner decides to move on and pursue a separate life on his or her own, the other is often more or less taken aback and hence more or less in shock. The phase of shock can manifest in emotional numbness, paralisation or denial – pretending that nothing happened and trying to continue life as usual – thereby not accepting the change in reality.

However, more often than not have we seen the passive partner of the breakup going faster through the motions of anger, protest, sadness and despair than expected. And what’s more, faster than the active partner who was driving the breakup.

The active partner probably fantasised about the time after the breakup and thereby idealised the regained freedom of single-life and all the things that he or she would not have to deal with anymore – the flaws and annoyances of the couple. But then he or she realises that there are many things that suck about being alone and many of the fantasies where just that – idealised castles in the air.

The mood and confidence of the active partner (the one who wanted the breakup in the first place), can be challenged when the passive partner, who suddenly found her/himself without a partner, now becomes more and more active. These partners can be observed as flourishing and transforming often out of reflection and opportunity.

In order to handle and manage the emotional and technical process of separation, it can be very helpful to seek the guidance and support of a couples counsellor who understands the grief and painful experiences both partners go through and who can help to find an accepting and appreciative way of communicating. A smoother transition helps to appreciate and preserve what was good between two people in a respectful way.

Relationship Skills: Change your life, not your wife!

Relationship issues are sometimes cause and sometimes effect. You feeling stressed and dissatisfied often has several reasons. You might feel that you don’t get enough out of your intimate relationship with your loved one. Or you might go through a breakup or recovery from it. 

Under any circumstances it helps to learn about yourself and to acquire skills that make you a better partner in your current relationship or any future one. What is love? Most people seek intimacy, commitment and passion in the attachment with their partner.

We are together as couples for an emotional bond, caring and safety. We are also together for affection and desire. And we seek continuity and loyalty often interpreted as exclusivity. Dissatisfaction often arises in the conflict zone of passion vs. companionship.

We are NOT together to pursue agendas against each other and consciously dedicate our togetherness to misery. You have spent some time with your partner. There is attachment, there is or was intimacy and desire.

There is a love map that connects the two of you. That means there is a deeper understanding and sharing of who you are and of whom you are with. You know each other fairly well and you share some part of life’s journey. Before giving this up, you want to understand where you get stuck and what goes wrong when you fight about things that matter to you.

The knowledge of how you see yourself and your partner in the relationship enables you to better comprehend your behaviour. The analysis of your communication is based on disecting your interaction.

I will work with you on how to define what a secure bond means to you and how to make it happen with your loved one. The current one or the future one. That might be the same person.

My upcoming Events in Central Hong Kong

Check out the upcoming events for ambitious people with limited time. 
FOCUS TRAINING AND ATTENTION GYM

Increases attention and awareness helps us to be the way we want to be at work and with close ones. The focus training is 3-hr workshop to introduce you to simple practices and give answers to the most common challenges for your concentration, empathy and emotional balance. It’s meant to refresh your insight and understanding of how to train and maintain your attention throughout challenging days and long weeks.

Learn how to use simple and effective concentration practices to benefit from increased awareness in your daily actions and interactions. Understand and apply insight for mental strength and emotional balance.

Date: Saturday 4 June 2016

Location: Central Hong Kong

Facilitator: Sebastian Droesler

Cost: HKD350.-

Details & Registration: Just Focus

MINDFUL MEN’S GROUP mini

This men’s group enables men who want to address issues and phases of their lives in a group of likeminded others. This is a great opportunity to experience the benefits of a closed group within a shorter timeframe. You will learn to reflect and engage with yourself and others in a much more effective and effcient way. The group will produce an in-depth richness of stories and experiences.

Why purpose, feminine energy, nothingness and other men can inspire us and make us mad at times. How to resolve issues in relationships, at work and with yourself.

4x Wednesdays 1, 8, 15, 22 June 2016

Location: Central Hong Kong

Facilitator: Sebastian Droesler

Cost: HKD1600.-

Details & Registration: Men’s Group

RELATIONSHIP CLINIC

Increased awareness and understanding of your ‘signature’ behaviour, perceptions and emotional responses in relationships helps us getting the love we want. This 3-hr workshop is for everyone who want to understand for her or himself the way he/she operates with partners or spouses. You will be able to find out how much power we have to change the way we interact. The chance to uproot fights and arguments fundamentally motivates each of us!

Workshop for individuals and couples who want to get a basic understanding of their relationship ‘style’ and how they can change to improve their relationship skills. Based on the Emotion Focused Therapy approach.

Date: Saturday 18 June 2016

Location: Central Hong Kong

Facilitator: Sebastian Droesler

Cost: HKD400.-

please contact Sebastian