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Men’s Mental Health: Don’t suffer in silence!

The COVID-19 pandemic and its response measures have had severe consequences for the mental health of people worldwide.

Depression, and particularly male depression, has gone up all over the world. Parents with young children have had to juggle watching young children and working from home as daycares worldwide shut down. Travel restrictions meant that some haven’t seen their family, friends and partners for months.

For people who are living home, lockdown measures have meant little to no social interaction. The result is increased stress, loneliness, anxiety and depression. Coupled with anxiety regarding the health of ourselves and our loved ones, reductions or loss of income, and the state of the world,  and we have a recipe for a mental health disaster.

Download free MENS MENTAL HEALTH pdf-one-pager here

Loneliness

Many men have learned to rely on relationships based on “doing”: bonding with coworkers or sports with friends. While women are traditionally more comfortable talking on the phone, texting, and having video calls, many men reserve these communication forms for family and partners – at best. When this becomes the main or only form of communication, many men struggle.

Stress

Hong Konger’s livelihood has been tested for a while, not only by the restrictions due to the pandemic. While both men and women suffer from this consequences, many men tend to over-identify with their jobs. Not being able to earn, to provide or simply being busy invokes feelings of failure. Cathay’s mass lay-offs and the like will affect the economical landscape mid-term.

Anxiety

While men and women both suffer from stress, depression, and anxiety, men are traditionally conditioned to repress their feelings. While these attitudes are shifting, it’s not easy to unlearn lifelong habits. When men feel anxious asking for help or being vulnerable, their stresses pile up. The result can be severe and debilitating anxiety. 

Depression

Men’s depression or anxiety often go hand-in-hand and can go undiagnosed. On the surface, we may see irritability or self-medication with substances, alcohol or sex. Physical symptoms of depression such as fatigue or body pain (back pain, tooth aches, …) are also common in men.

The way male depression manifests is poorly recognized by our current diagnostic criteria and approaches. Traditional concepts of masculinity deter men from seeking help, making the problem worse. It’s evident that while reducing mental stigma is essential, it’s not enough. We must also understand that men and women require different solutions and tailor treatment options accordingly.

Getting well versus Staying well

As a society, we like quick and easy solutions. With men, this tendency can be even more pronounced. Stereotypically, men are more solution-oriented, while women might prefer to give more space for emotions and understanding. And if the problem is that we’re feeling bad, we need to find a solution towards feeling good, right? Reality is a little more complicated than that. While external conditions significantly influence our internal state, we can’t expect our mental health to depend on them.

The good news is that the common mental health issues in men can be treated and that we can apply many successful measures of prevention. Depression and Anxiety as well as Stress and Loneliness are manageable and treatable. Learning coping strategies can make future episodes shorter and less intense. Treatments can help you reduce negative thinking, create strategies to tackle problems and improve relationships.

Getting Well

  • Educate yourself
    • Understand what you’re dealing with can help you come up with the best coping mechanisms for you
    • There are many good videos, podcasts, and blogs that you can find online for free
  • Start noticing and open your awareness
    • Work on challenging your negative thinking
    • We all have stories and core beliefs that we picked up early in life that may be no longer serving us
    • Picking up a mindfulness practice can help you become more aware of negative thinking patterns. As you do so, you’ll learn to let go instead of becoming attached to them
    • Practicing CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy) sheets can help you change these thoughts at the core
  • Connection is King
    • Connect with yourself – remember The Matrix “…do you believe that my being stronger or faster has anything to do with my muscles in this place?…”
    • Connect with others – remember Along Came Polly when Mr Feffer speaks the truth: “…it’s not about what happened in the past or what you think might happen in the future – it’s about the ride! There is no point going through all this, if you not gonna enjoy the ride…”
  • Turn to a professional
    • Many men have a lot of resistance to going to therapy. It’s worth examing to see why that is. Are you ashamed of admitting you have a problem? Or is it that you’re afraid that if you talk about your pain, you will be overwhelmed by it?
    • A good therapist will make you feel heard and understood. They’ll also help you learn to solve your own challenges through new tools and coping strategies. 
  • Medication
    • Remember that medication takes time to work and isn’t a permanent all-encompassing solution
    • Medication can help you feel more stable so that you can build a stronger foundation for your mental health with therapy and other solutions.

Download free MENS MENTAL HEALTH pdf-one-pager here

Staying well

Remember that good mental health requires maintenance. While it may be tempting to drop all your new habits once you start feeling better again, this can backfire. Think of it as a diet: you can lose the weight, but if you start drinking soda and eating friend and sugary food all the time, you’re likely to gain the weight back. The same goes for depression and emotional wellbeing in general. Living a balanced, healthy lifestyle is just as important when you’re feeling good as it is when you’re struggling. 

  • Monitor your early warning signs
    • As you become more familiar with your inner world, you’ll learn to recognize warning signs before things get bad
      • Less reading, more Netflix? Less Sport, more deep fried Food?
      • Recurring thoughts like “No one understands me.” or “I am a failure.”
      • And you might begin to pay attention to physical symptoms of fatigue, heaviness, tension or shallow breath.
  • Keep Social with friends, family or in a group of likeminded
    • Any group of common interest can provide a safe space where you can learn to be emotionally vulnerable while receiving support from others facing similar challenges.
    • Join a men’s group. There can be something profoundly healing about sharing openly in a group of men – precisely because it’s so unfamiliar to many of us. In a study of older men (usually considered non-responsive to therapy), the men’s group was a valuable tool in treating depression.
  • Make time for Self-Care
    • It’s crucial to find the strategies that work for you. In a study of 465 Australian men, eating healthy, keeping busy, exercising, humour and helping others were their top strategies for preventing depression. Other successful methods included spending time with a pet and self-reward.
    • Most of the things mentioned in this article can be forms of self-care: support groups, physical exercise, counselling & therapy, eating healthy
    • Self-care can be making sure you get some quality-time with your Self. Outdoors beats indoors, Walking meets Talking.  

 

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Singaporeans’ struggle with wellbeing and the need to find a counsellor

Why it is important to find an English speaking counsellor in Singapore and how to do it.

According to an article published by the WHO in 2018, mental health is defined as, ‘a state of well- being in which an individual realizes his or her own abilities, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and is able to make a contribution to his or her own community.’

As per the latest studies conducted in Singapore, 1 in 7 people has been shown to have suffered a mental disorder in their lifetime. Statistics show that in Singapore, the three most common challenges with mental health are: obsessive-compulsive tendencies, depression & low mood and unhealthy lifestyle choices. 

According to my experience with Singapore-based clients, the most common issues are relationship skills and maintaining mental and physical sanity in the midst of career adjustments and family drama – often with family abroad and difficult to stay connected with in times of travel restrictions due to the pandemic.

Face- to- face therapy sessions have become slightly challenging owing to the fact that individuals are encouraged to socially distance themselves from one another. This has resulted in an increase in telehealth services, i.e. the delivery of health services via online video conferencing.

These services have an array of advantages such as; having access to a therapist from the comfort of your house. Having access to a therapist without having to leave the house has made it that much easier to seek the services of therapists.

The ability to access mental health services without leaving the house has also been advantageous in that most patients and doctors/ therapists are able to practice social distancing and keep themselves safe from contracting Covid- 19. This period of life has been difficult for most individuals since it’s brought about loss of jobs, financial insecurity, loss of loved ones and a lot of instability. Online therapy services have made counselling sessions accessible.

Steps to take

Counselling and online therapy can be tailor-made. It is up to the individual and his/her counselor to decide what type of intervention works for the individual. Some of the approaches include;

  • See a therapist / counselor – there are several types of therapy sessions available such as individual therapy, group therapy, family therapy and support groups.
  • Expressing gratitude – enables one to keep track of even the tiniest things that go well in one’s life and thus gives an individual the opportunity to shift their focus onto their agency: moving, shifting and placing attention.
  • Journaling – writing down helps to reflect and reappraise situations, feelings and experiences.  My tip is to try to write your observations in third person in order to take a step back from your own mind and the drama that it unfolds around the SELF / EGO.
  • Maintaining a supportive network – family, friends and colleagues can support you. It is important to identify a few – not many – people you feel safe to confide in.  Past trauma and adverse experiences can make it difficult to trust – that’s ok. Counsellors are an alternative as they have to adhere to ethical and professional standards of confidentiality and care.
  • Self-care – all to refresh the brain or in other words the connection of the mind and the body
    • Body – sleep!!!, physical exercise such as running, cycling, swimming, yoga or tai chi
    • Diet – less sugar, less fat (no deep fried), plant-based protein, experiment with ways of fasting
    • Meditation – focus attention or/and open awareness, be present – moment to moment, recognise your judgements

REFERENCES 

  1. IN FOCUS: the challenges young people face while seeking mental health help https://www.channelnewsasia.com/news/singapore/in-focus-young-people-mental-health-singapore-treatment-13002934 
  2. Mental health, strengthening our response https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/mental-health-strengthening-our-response#:~:text=Mental%20health%20is%20a%20state,to%20his%20or%20her%20community. 
  3. Depression https://www.healthhub.sg/a-z/diseases-and-conditions/101/topics_depression 
  4. Depression https://www.singhealth.com.sg/patient-care/conditions-treatments/depression/overview 
  5. Teenage depression; signs, causes and treatment https://www.healthxchange.sg/wellness/mental-health/teenage-depression-signs-causes-treatment 
  6. IMH; wellness https://www.imh.com.sg/wellness/ 
  7. The state of mental wellness in Singapore https://adelphipsych.sg/the-state-of-mental-wellness-in-singapore/ 
  8. Types of mental health treatments https://www.psychguides.com/mental-health-disorders/treatments/types/ 
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Lovingkindness – The neuroscience of wishing well

In this blog you will learn what Lovingkindness is and how evidence-based science demonstrates the psychological benefits for your well-being.

Added bonus: Understand what’s in for you to wish people well that you don’t like that much or let’s say would not vote for.

What is Lovingkindness?

Lovingkindness is the practice of wishing well. It is typically done as a guided meditation in feelings of goodwill and benevolence. The practice uses a set of phrases (such as “may you be at peace. May you be healthy.”) that we imagine saying to ourselves, loved ones, strangers, and even people we find difficult.

As we imagine saying these sentences, the goal is to connect with the positive emotions that arise. We’re not trying to manifest any reality (we’re not going to make anyone healthy by wishing that they are), but rather seeing how it feels to say these words to another person and genuinely mean it.

Lovingkindness is the translation of the Pali word “metta.” It is one of the four Brahmaviharas in Buddhism – the others are compassion, empathetic joy, and equanimity.

Academic interest in lovingkindness meditation keeps growing. Researchers are conducting experiments regarding the benefits of lovingkindness for various disorders, including depression and anxiety and everyday issues like anger and relational conflict. The studies appear promising, showing a positive effect on happiness, self-compassion, and general wellbeing.

What are the benefits?

When we practice lovingkindness consistently, we might find that our positive feelings multiply in our day-to-day life. In turn, it can serve as an antidote for difficult emotions such as anger, depression, anxiety, and self-criticism. Note that practicing lovingkindness doesn’t mean that we are trying to hide our “bad” emotions or plastering a bandaid of positivity over them. Instead, we are trying to water and nurture the seeds of love, joy, kindness, and acceptance. We learn to divert our attention to the positive and expand those emotions.

Stephen Hofmann calls lovingkindness a practice that “leads to the path of happiness.” He notes that psychology has focused on trying to reduce negative emotions rather than increasing the positive. In a literature review, he and Paul Grossman and Devon E.Hinton conclude that lovingkindness can help treat social anxiety, marital conflict, and anger.

A randomized experiment on 38 individuals high in self-criticism showed the effects of lovingkindness in practice. The participants showed increases in positive emotion and self-compassion and reduced depression and self-criticism (Shahar et al. 2015). The effects lasted three months after the intervention. 

Another study on the long-term effects of lovingkindness meditation on PTSD and depression found similar benefits. After three months, there was a significant reduction in PTSD symptoms as well as depressive symptoms (Kearney et al., 2013). Similar benefits have been found in individuals dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder.

It’s becoming apparent that lovingkindness practice can be a powerful intervention.

Lovingkindness changes the brain

Practicing lovingkindness meditation doesn’t just make us feel good. It can have significant and long-lasting impacts on the brain. 

One brain imaging study examined expert and novice meditators as they engaged in lovingkindness meditation. The researchers introduced emotional and neutral sounds during meditation and found that the expert meditators had increased activation in brain areas associated with empathy and theory of mind (Lutz, Brefcynski, Johnstone, Davidson 2008). 

A 2012 experiment by Lee et al. went further and looked at the differences in brain activity when practicing lovingkindness meditation as opposed to concentration meditation. They found that experts in lovingkindness meditation showed a distinct neural response to sad pictures that was more in line with empathy and emotional regulation. That means that when we practice lovingkindness meditation consistently, we’re training our brain to be more compassionate in the future. 

Imagine what can happen when we train our brains to react with kindness instead of judgment and fear. Implications can include less conflict with our friends, family, and partner; fewer instances of road rage; more measured responses when a coworker annoys us. We can instinctively offer better emotional support. As our self-compassion grows, we learn to make healthier choices and forgive ourselves for making mistakes. A lovingkindness presence can feel like magic.

How to practice lovingkindness in daily life? 

There are several ways to practice lovingkindness meditation. The primary way they differ is by the first object of lovingkindness. Some people start by sending lovingkindness to a loved one, then moving on to themselves, and then turning to a difficult person. Others say that we should always begin with sending lovingkindness to ourselves. 

Both types of practice start by sitting in an upright but comfortable position. You can also practice lying down if that’s more comfortable for you. You can close your eyes or leave them open. Take a few deep breaths to calm down the body. Then, let go of trying to control your breath. 

Starting With Yourself

If you want to start with yourself, imagine that you were sitting across from yourself. As you do, repeat sentences such as “may I be well. May I be safe. May I accept myself just as I am.”

There are many phrases you can use, but try not to pick too many. Keep it simple. Stay with this feeling for a while. If you find that it is too difficult, try to imagine yourself as a young child.

After a few minutes of this, you can choose to practice sending your lovingkindness feelings to a benefactor, an acquaintance, a stranger, or someone you find difficult.

Starting With a Loved One

Some people find it too challenging to start with sending lovingkindness to themselves. An excellent way to change this is to begin by imagining a good friend, benefactor or loved one. You can picture your pet or anyone else whose presence inspires feelings of warmth in you. Repeat the phrases as you imagine your loved one in front of you (“may you be at peace…”). After several minutes, try to turn the warm feelings you’ve gathered towards yourself and then towards a challenging person.

As you will see, different people practice lovingkindness differently. You might focus on one or two people at a time or try to send out lovingkindness towards the world. Some people find this to be a very emotional practice, but it’s OK if you don’t feel anything in particular. It can be helpful to use a guided recording in the beginning. You can find a 20-minute Lovingkindness meditation guided by Sharon Salzberg here.

Bonus: Turning towards the difficult – wishing your enemy well

Some people report difficulty to wish others well, whom they deem not worthy or deserving. I can very well relate to this attitude and was grappling with it for long time – even questioning my capacity for compassion. However, it became clear to me that I can find the ability to wish well to actually everyone. Here the rational:

  1. If others – liked or not liked people – live healthier, live with more peace, find ease or may be with calm, the world in total will be healthier, more at peace and more calm and at ease. I am certain of that.
  2. If others – liked or not liked people – live happier, that does not mean that I lose part of my happiness or really that I lose anything at all. It’s not a trade off. If I wish you good health, then I will not be more ill due to my wish. It’s not a give and take situation. It truly is a win-win.
  3. If you want to be skilfully wishing well, first you need consider what actually moves and motivates malice, violence and wrong doing. Then you can counter the driving energy with your tailored wish. For example: aiming at narcissism would sound a bit like this perhaps: “May you live with ease, may you find happiness, may you find confidence (in someone else), …”

Note: here we must assume that this is a question of true, genuine, authentic happiness to be found and not a shallow “happiness” that some wear in disguise.

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How to find a Hong Kong-based counsellor in times of pandemic? update

Before choosing a therapist, start by assessing your current situation and what you hope to achieve in your sessions. Are you burned-out at work? Perhaps you’re struggling with low self-esteem? Your experience will manifest as feelings, behaviours, thought patterns and physical sensations.

Constant unexplained irritability can be a sign of anxiety and overwhelm. Pay attention to changes in appetite and disturbed sleep like insomnia. Stress and anxiety can show up as tense muscles, nausea, or headaches. Coping behaviors can include self-medicating with alcohol, distracting with social media, news and overworking.

Start with a quick self-assessment:

> What is your current challenge or struggle?

> What do you want to achieve in the process?

Once you’ve recognized the problem, think about what you would like to achieve. You might have a particular goal for therapy, like “I want to move past a second date with a partner” or one that feels more undefined, like reaching a better understanding of the connection between your childhood and current habits, relationship issues or emotional distress. Once you’ve figured out what you’d like to gain through therapy, you can set out to find the therapist that will help you.

Considerations for finding a counselor that suits your needs

Generally, when looking for an English-speaking counsellor, coach or psychotherapist, you want to check out several areas:

  • Qualification – the counselors’ education and professional qualifications, work experience and therapeutic approaches trained in
  • Personal fit – the likelihood of how you get along with your counselor might depend on some of your preferences and specialisations offered
  • Hands-on concerns – office location, working hours, punctuality and availability of session slots
  • Readiness for pandemic – in times of 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th waves of new positive tested COVID-19 cases it is paramount that your counsellor caters for a smooth and flexible transition between facemask-to-facemask and online consultations.

Life in Hong Kong is often transient, there are several practical concerns that should matter regarding the mutually committed work. Consider the level of spoken English, general reliability and the length and frequency of absences. 

Qualifications and Professions

One of the first things clients typically look at when choosing a therapist is their legitimization. It’s important to distinguish the various types of counselors and therapists based on their qualifications.

A Psychiatrist is a medical doctor who specializes in Psychiatry. A Psychiatrist can diagnose mental disorders, write fit for work assessments, and prescribe medication. A Clinical Psychologist has a Doctorate – Ph.D. or PsyD in Clinical Psychology. A Psychologist can administer psychological tests and write reports and assessments. However, they cannot prescribe medication. Counsellors and Psychotherapist have frequently trained in therapy approaches that go along with their services offered – like Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Acceptance-and-Commitment Training (ACT), Couples Counselling, Mindfulness-based approaches, Trauma Treatment,

There are Master’s degrees in counseling that offer thorough training. Therefore, if you’re seeing a Counselor, ask what their qualifications are. A Life Coach is a different type of training. While some Licensed Counselors and Psychologists choose to obtain a Life Coaching certificate, many Life Coachs undergo shorter qualification periods. Some Life Coaching certificates can be obtained in just a few months, compared to many years it takes to become a clinical professional with medical and academic degrees.  

Consider the goals that you have set and your practical limitations. If you do not think that you will need medication, perhaps you don’t need to see a Psychiatrist. However, if you think medication might be part of your path, seeing a psychiatrist is important.

Practical Concerns

When choosing a counselor, you also need to factor in practical concerns. If your sessions demand a long and uncomfortable commute, your sessions will have a negative connotation in your mind. If your counselor isn’t fluent in your Native language, you won’t feel fully understood. Therefore, make a list of practical concerns you have, and bring them up in your initial session. Ask the counselor if they do online sessions if one of you will need to switch from face-to-face consultations to video conferencing.

However, Therapeutic Alliance is key!!!

While qualifications and practical concerns are significant, the most important thing you should pay attention to is how you feel during your sessions. Studies show that one of the most important factor in determining your therapy success is the relationship between you and your therapist – also known as the therapeutic alliance. The quality of the therapist-client relationship is a reliable indicator for positive outcomes – regardless of the therapeutic approach. 

The Therapeutic Alliance is king and queen of your therapy castle.

A therapist might have decades of education and experience, but if you don’t feel that they care about you, you might struggle to make progress:

  1. Your counselor should be warm and empathetic – making it easy to share openly
  2. You want to feel that they understand you and that they have your best interests are heart
  3. The positive working alliance models the way, you will experience what it’s like to have a genuinely trusting relationship

You also want to make sure that your practitioner is “walking the talk.” Your counselor should be a role model for behavioral change. Pay attention to clues that point to whether they’re living according to their life values, i.e. leading a healthy lifestyle with balanced sleep, diet, physical exercise and social network. A healthy sign is also when they are able to set professional boundaries to help you stay focused and committed.

The Best Way to Find a Good English Speaking Counselor in Hong Kong

Start by making a list of potential practitioners that you find through:

In your initial session, talk about your goals for the sessions. Ask them what approach they take. The specific method they use might not be as important as the fact that they have a structure and would be able to outline key concepts in the process if and when you ask. Pay attention to how you feel during your initial session. Do they make you feel at ease? Do you think that they understand you, or do you have to over-explain yourself? However, don’t let the session be a monologue by you. The counselor should be telling you about their approach, they must be able to let you know how they relate to you and how they feel and plan to continue with you.

Take some time to reflect on your first sessions. If both, you and your counselor feel confident in your ability to work together, book another session. Congratulations, you’ve found your counselor! 

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Hugging – think Minuet not Tango

We are currently facing two pandemics that came along hand-in-hand: COVID-19 and the epidemic of loneliness and disconnection. As the worldwide death toll surpasses one million (nytimes.com 28/9) international travel has come to a standstill. Several countries around the world have enacted lockdowns of varying severity. Many adults who live alone went from seeing people every day to going weeks without talking to another person.

For the elderly, this isolation and loneliness are even more extreme, as many struggle to use technological tools to keep in contact with family and friends. While young adults used video calls and social media to stay in touch, many older adults went days without conversation or eye contact. This loneliness, in addition to anxiety about health and the state of the world plunged many into depression.

The majority of my clients in Asia, Europe and North America is disconnected from family and friends. Some of them and myself had to travel for sad and mournful occasions.

Self-regulation vs. interpersonal regulation

Individual ways we can take to calm ourselves: Yoga, breathing techniques, and grounding exercises can all be practiced during isolation. However, co-regulation (or interpersonal regulation) is also essential for all human beings – especially for young children with developing brains, who do not yet have self-regulation capacity. As all social beings we are wired for connection.

When we see someone act, our mirror neurons fire as though we were the actor. When we feel unsafe, a reassuring smile and the calming voice of a loved one can help calm our body down. Touch is a core aspect of this co-regulation process. One study found that holding hands with a loved one decreased the amount of pain a woman felt while receiving an electrical shock.

The truth is, we just can’t separate our mental health from the physical. Stress and loneliness affect our physical body directly. Studies show that loneliness can increase the likelihood of various diseases, from heart disease to Alzheimer’s. Hugging is a form of touch that helps us feel connected to others. When we hug, we feel loved, seen, safe, soothed and secure.

Today, the main wrench of the pandemic is: Just when we need human connection the most, we are told to socially distance.

Of course, we want to keep our loved ones safe and avoid unnecessary risks. And yet, the benefits of touch and human connection are more important than ever. Is there a way we can balance these two contrasting positions?

Approaching hugging rules scientifically

  • First, use common sense to determine when a hug or touch is actually needed. Now is not the time for networking and social niceties. If you meet someone new, hugs and kisses probably aren’t essential. Supporting a friend who is going through a hard time might be a different situation.
  • Wear a mask. The mask will be an extra layer of protection against respiratory droplets that you breathe out. In doing so, it will help protect your hugging partner.
  • Make sure you’re crossing over – both on their left or both on their right shoulder side (think Minuet not Tango). That way, you’re not breathing in each other’s exhaled air. 
  • Avoid touching each other’s faces while you hug. 
  • Don’t talk while you are hugging. Keep the conversation to before and after the hug.
  • If possible, hold your breath during the hug. 
  • Keep your hug brief. You can have an extremely effective hug in ten seconds. Hold each other tight, relax, and then let go.
  • Let children hug you at their level, rather than coming down to their height. That way, their faces should be at your knee, waist, or possibly chest level, making it less likely to spread germs in the air.
  • Don’t hug while either of you is crying, or if you have a cough or runny nose. 
  • Step away after the hug, and continue your conversation when you are standing several feet apart. 
  • Wash your hands after hugging, and avoid touching your face.

When Hugging Is Not An Option

There are other ways to calm your nervous system and get similar benefits that touch provides. If you have a pet, you can co-regulate with them. A study on the effects of human-animal relationships in children found that “touch, proximity, and mind-body interaction with animals have been found to contribute to stress reduction and trauma recovery.” 

Make sure to check in and keep in touch with loved ones, even when you’re not able to meet face-to-face. Text messages are great. Voice or video calls will be even better, as they will activate more of your senses as well as your mirror neurons. You can use this time to find alternative methods of showing care and keeping in touch. Try writing physical letters or even creating a scrapbook with memories and shared jokes.

If you don’t have an animal that you can interact with, hugging a stuffed animal or pillow can also simulate the feelings of safety and warmth you would get from human touch. Even if this hasn’t been your previous practice, we are in a unique set of circumstances. 

The benefits you will receive from gardening or taking care of indoor plants can also mimic some of the same bodily responses you get when caring for a loved one. 

Self-regulation techniques to calm your nervous system include stretching, humming, and embodied movement practices such as tai chi. Experiment with several different ones until you find those that work for you. 

During times of uncertainty and panic, it’s important to take precautions and stay safe. We don’t want to put our loved ones in harm’s way. Exercise caution, but remember to keep your emotional and mental health a priority. Keep touch and connection alive in your life as much as you safely can, for the benefit of us all. 

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Awareness of Breathing. The antidote to living in our heads.

This is a guided awareness of breathing practice. The intention is to become aware of the tactile sensations of breathing from moment to moment: Paying attention and noticing the breath in movement and in stillness. This formal sitting practice can be done sitting on the floor, a mat, a cushion, a meditation bench or a chair.

The meditation provides an internal focus for attention. The breath and the body – as well as other foci – can be developed as an anchor to the present in the ocean of moving attention. Bringing back attention on purpose and moment-to-moment – gently and without judging. Perhaps noticing where attention has been pulled.

The breath as a symbol and direct experience of the arising and passing of all. The antidote to living in our heads. Helping to develop a skillset to detect the movement of attention – often triggered by obstacles and situations – as well as seeing reality as a construct and lastly to train the attentional muscle in holding a focus and bringing it back to the focus.

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Fact is, you are getting the job done. Are we accepting the upsides of the corona vibe?

In the midst of increasing numbers of infections and decreasing numbers of surgical masks I am witnessing empty shelves in supermarkets. The second time I remember since Eastern Germany collapsed. People crossed the border into our small town in the West during an icy November, 30 years ago. They bought everything they could transport in their tiny Trabant cars. Not out of anxiety tho.

Two times in a row within a few months we are facing massive disruptions to public life, tremendous emotional rifts in established communities and the challenge to somehow keeping life as we knew it together. Everyone of us muddling through – some significantly more cheerful than others. I discern question marks, wrinkles of worry and gazes of perplexity above the mask lines.

And yet, business continues. Certainly not as usual, but seemingly far from disaster. More of my clients are dressed casual, quite some book appointments as business trips have been cancelled, work arrangements allow for flexibility and BCP’s are now effective. Many report to be able to slow down, re-think priorities and core contributions, work more efficiently, finding time for family, hobbies and self-care.

Slowing down

World economy as well as ourselves seem to be taking a break from acceleration. Quite some of my clients experience a slow-down – partially forced upon them. Not a single one of them has yet complained about it. Maybe worried, but not complained. As of now there is a newness to the experience. Pleasant, unpleasant and neutral in many ways. Realising that we actually don’t need all of what we have, nor what we want. This being a phase of self-suffice. Not missing the commute – actually gaining time in a day. Cooking our own food – slow food, slow good. Deadlines being postponed – what was soooo important to get done on that particular date?

Photo by Emma Bauso on Pexels.com

Priorities in life

Having the kids at home for such a long and yet uncertain period of time is taxing and requires planning and discipline. And yet, I am happy to see so many families embracing what is already there – with kindness and acceptance. I sense that many of you are now reconnecting with your life values, with what truly matters to you. Positively surprised to see so many families hiking last weekend at Shing Mun Reservoir. After all, research says that you will likely not look back onto this time wishing that you have spent more time at work or on a plane. The deathbed-test does not lie.

Priorities at work

This being a phase in which many of us experience in a very practical way – through online communication, video conferencing and remote work arrangements – where and how they actually add value. The contrast between the familiar work environment and alternative arrangements is based on necessity, and yet teaches us productivity. Doing the right things vs. doing things right.

Becoming clear about your core contributions is a gift that frees you from unnecessary tasks and boosts your confidence by knowing what you are actually needed for. During the last few weeks I saw so many of you being equally productive with less hours of work.

Fact is, you are getting the job done – including going to the playground in Happy Valley or Cyberport. Stepping out of autopilot is not convenient – but rewarding.

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Guided Bodyscan Meditation

Going into a guided body scan meditation. Holding the intention to explore sensations in the body as they arise. Doing so by placing and moving attention throughout the body.

Guided Bodyscan Meditation MBCT

“… Taking a few moments to settle in. Lying down on your back on the floor, on a mat or on a bed. Or allowing yourself to sit up on a chair or a cushion if that is more available to you.

Bringing attention to the body where it makes contact. Perhaps noticing sensations of pressure, heaviness, lightness or no sensation.

Bringing awareness to the entire body: front, back, to the sides and everything between. Maybe feeling calmness, tension, ease or restlessness. The task is simply to notice and pay attention to the body as it is – right now, in this moment.

Now bringing attention to Breathing. Wherever the breath presents itself most dominantly, most vividly. Making this the focus of your attention.

On an out breath, now letting the breath reside in the background and on an in breath moving attention to the back, the sides and the top of the head. Noticing any body sensations as they present themselves here. Sensations can be warmth, dryness, tingling, heaviness or pressure. You may notice to register a blank, no sensation or numbness. Then simply noticing that.

Whenever attention is being pulled, the mind wanders – noticing where it went and then gently escorting it back to the focus. Here, the back, the sides and the top of your head.

…

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How to find the right online coach, video counsellor or virtual therapist for e-consultations.

Individualised online services for well-being, real-time life coaching and mental health are gaining in popularity. Increased disruptions in public life such as social movement and outbreaks of infectious diseases impel the demand. How can you find the best fit for your needs? What are the edges an online practitioner must have?

https://videopress.com/v/Ox67xLII?controls=false&preloadContent=metadata

People reduce their commutes and value the safety and convenience of home and the workplace over physical activity and face-to-face socialising. Video conferencing, live chat and phone conversations are being increasingly used to address personal challenges as well as matters of performance and success.

Video conferencing makes it easy and accessible to keep a healthy routine of self-care. Online counselling offers advantages in flexibility, efficiency and mobility. It demonstrates a broad range of suitability, but also carries limitations. Many people can benefit from online consultation services via video call, phone sessions, text messaging and chat.

Some of my online clients appreciate in particular the virtual nature of online therapy, because it also offers an additional sense of safety, built-in boundaries (time, distance and intimacy) and optional anonymity. 

Personality and Experience

The most important criteria for the success of remote therapy and coaching is the working alliance with your virtual coach and online therapist. A relationship of mutual trust and respect contributes 50% to successfully working together. I recommend to invest the first appointment in order for you to get a feel for your rapport. Ask yourself if your therapist or coach is listening, resonating and empathising with you. Do you feel unconditional support and respect? From my personal experience in therapy I want my therapist to be kind, but not too soft or fluffy. It is key that he/she is honest about their feelings and thoughts and enquires into your interpersonal connection with her/him.

“Working online’ is used in this guidance to include all methods of communication using digital and information technology regardless of whether equipment used is a desktop computer, laptop, tablet, smartphone or any other device. ‘Working online’ is also sometimes referred to as ‘working at a distance’ to establish a distinction from working in the physical presence of the other person.”

British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (Factsheet 047, March 2019)

Background and Training

You can usually check the background and education of your counselor, coach and therapist on their website and social media such as LinkedIn. A simple google research will also provide you with some appearances in their professional capacity – you might find publications, videos and programs of their involvements. Regarding further development, professional registers, specialty education and memberships it might be worthwhile to look into the online listings and registers of certifying institutions where you can search by name or location. In addition to these formal checks, I recommend for you to also get an understanding of your practitioner’s personal and professional journey through life. Does this person embody an open mind, a wholesome approach to life and possess values that serve you well?

Technology and Infrastructure

Although most social media provides channels and means to converse online, WhatsApp, FaceTime, HangOuts, Skype et al might not provide the best technical stability, privacy and confidentiality. Does your therapist, coach and counsellor use a renown video conferencing software that enables audio, video and screen as well as file sharing features? Which timezone is he/she based in and how does that align with your schedule? And even more importantly: Does the virtual connection work? Is the quality of sound and vision high and stable? After all, if the line is bad, your session will be a waste of time and money.

Cost and Efficiency

Apropos money: Cost depends on duration, practitioner experience, specialisations and clientele. Much like seeking out a personal trainer, it is essential that you become clear of your

  1. ambition
  2. budget
  3. priorities

Beware of someone who makes unrealistic promises or seems to want to make a sale rather than seriously offering services with integrity and decency. Online coaching is not a one-off. Therapy and counselling benefits from regular and steady commitment to depth and experience. Most decent practitioners value timeline over quick-wins and hence are willing to reward your engagement into a process and a series of sessions over time. Expect to pay in a range of 50 to 450USD (40 to 400EUR, 70 to 660AUD, 400 to 3500HKD) with rates being typically higher for business coaching.

How to prepare as a client

From many years of experience as an online counsellor I have learned to check with my clients if they are ready to work with me. Here is what I am asking for in order to ensure best results. I basically want you to show up for an online session in exactly the same way you would show up face-to-face in my office – my recommended online way is per video call.

  • Environment – be in a quiet space, with good light and sound and a steady camera
  • Attitude – be dressed in smart casual and ready to stay focused while our meeting lasts
  • Discipline – be on time, but prepared to wait a few minutes – my online sessions have a waiting room function
  • Privacy – be present (no cats, colleagues or other communications)

Being well prepared is great gift of respect from both sides. It always yields better results for your online therapy. Wishing you an insightful and healing online experience!!

Resource of Quote

Good Practice in Action 047 – Fact Sheet: Working Online in the Counselling Professions is published by the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, BACP House, 15 St John’s Business Park, Lutterworth, Leicestershire LE17 4HB. (Updated March 2019)

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12 thoughts for food and how to implement scientific facts into everyday life

Well-being is a reflection of the harmony of Body and Mind. Food is essential for our mental and physical fitness. My approach to coaching and counselling aims to improve quality of life and therefore takes into account how and what we eat. Continuous lifestyle development is key to an open and sustainable experience.

“Dietary needs are similar to attachment needs – there are universal fundamentals, but each individual has unique characteristics and requirements. Just like we flourish with love and safety, we need the right energy for growth and to age well.”

Let me share with you my take aways from recent food science and how I adapt the finding in everyday life. Source of these guidelines is a German bestselling book about nutrition which is a conclusion of all scientific research studies about food since the 1950s* (Kast 2018).

Protein first, then carbs and fat

Harvard Health* says that we need 0.8grams of protein per kg of body weight. Protein saturates, we stop eating when we had enough. That’s why I chose protein as my starting point. I aim to reduce meat and fish to 3 meals per week (total of 450grams) and to cut out red meats as best I can for chicken and salmon instead. In addition I substantially ramped up plant-based protein: tofu, tempeh & edamame, lentils, chickpeas, peanuts (not good for kidney stones), almonds, spirulina, quinoa (as a “complete” protein contains all 9 essential amino acids), mycoprotein, chia seeds (2g per tbsp), hemp seeds (5g per tbsp or 14g), beans, broccoli stalk 4g / kale 200g = 2g, seitan (wheat gluten, 21g in 80g).

Coffee – filtered only

Can consume 4 cups daily, Contains several healthy substances. The few unhealthy oily substances need to be filtered out. Hence no french press 🙁 and no espresso machine 🙁

Dairy when it’s fermented. No Milk. No Butter

It’s a Yes from me for Yoghurt and Kefir: several health effects related to microbiom and digestion. And a Yes for Cheese: naturally high in calcium, good source for Vitamin K and Spermidine with various important metabolic functions.

Sugar and other Carbs

The common sugar consists of glucose and fructose. In particular fructose drives weight gain and increased intestinal fat. Attention: Fructose does not show in glycemic index tables, as the GI only measures glucose.

Avoid white rice, potatoes and white bread. Avoid french fries, chips and cookies and pastries that you have not made yourself (to avoid trans fats and sugar). Eat whole-grain bread and sometimes sourdough due to healthier digestion.

Fat – polyunsaturated good, trans fats never

Omega-3 polyunsaturated fatty acids from fish (like salmon) and from plants (only ALA, not EPA nor DHA – taking fish oil supplements): Chia Seeds (10g cover RDA 1600mg), Brussel Sprouts, Algal Oil from algae, Hemp Seeds (even more than Chia), Walnuts (20g for RDA), flaxseeds (very high in ALA) and Perilla Oil (super-high in ALA).

Olive Oil

Good olive oil scratches in the throat when swallowing a teaspoon of it – it has to taste bitter and peppery. Buy pure extra virgin native cold pressed. Can be used for frying – can help keep fried meat healthier. Associated with anti-aging and significant reduction of breast cancer risk.

Fasting – continuous lifestyle vs. intensive time-outs

Although I am a big fan of detox fasting following the Buchinger method (once or twice yearly), I do want to feel fit, healthy and comfortable all year round. That’s why I am gravitating in most weeks towards time-restricted fasting with 8hrs of food intake and 16hrs of fasting. I am not religiously adhering to these times on a daily basis, but find them easy to calculate and to live. A typical day then looks like breakfast around 10am and last meal before 6pm.

Conclusions for a healthy diet

1. Eat food with more whole carbs in the morning: whole-grain cereals with fruit and yoghurt

2. Eat some fatty food in the afternoon or evening: cheese, avocado, olive oil, nuts

3. Find a time-restricted cycle that suits your needs while helping your discipline and can be integrated into your work-week.

4. Enjoy your food! Familiarise with a few foundations and give yourself a chance to make it through a short phase of adjustment – you will gain back health and fitness over time.

Sources

Bas Kast (2018): The Nutrition Compass / Der Ernaehrungskompass, 28th, Munich: Random House.

https://www.health.harvard.edu